Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 21

21. Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal The Mopey Monosexuality of an Outcast Cutie CorpseMuch analogous the guy in Herman Hesses novel Steppenwolf (which every unmatchable knows means, wolf vent up the step) who runs into the ENTRANCE NOT FOR EVERYBODY sign come aside of the closetside of the Magic Theater, when it tote ups to romance, I am definitely non on the list. Loneliness is my plus one. Bitterness is my boo.Oh, it was bouquet waking up at sun rout, nearly in the arms of my blueish Lord, snuggled up in our utility shed on the roof. I probably shouldnt encounter snatched that pigeon out from under the eave and sort of sucked its little throat, but in my defense, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and I swore collide with anything with feathers because they atomic number 18 nasty. Still, I think Lord overspill would have forgiven me cough up creasey feathers on his linen trousers if my bobsled hadnt harshed our search plan.T here(predicate), now e veryone knows. I have a tail. Which is kinda the reason we had to return to the beloved lair instead of continuing our search for the Countess. Foo c alo take away just before sunup to feel out that each the rats had died.So Im equivalent, Non sequitur much, Foo? If you miss me, you can just apologize and recoil a little and well move on.And hes interchangeable, No, Abby, you dont understand. Theres something in their desoxyribonucleic acid, they just sort of return after a week or so of being a vampyre.And Im like, My poor, sad Foo Dog, be you sure that your mantenna isnt just using dead(p) rats to disperse an S.O.S. for a return to tuna town? Hmmmm?And hes all, No, Abby, you have rat deoxyribonucleic acid tied in with your vampirism, the same way Chet has human DNA.And Im all, Nuh-uh.And hes all, You have to come dorsum here. Abby, I know you have a tail.And Im like, Fucksocks, and I offed my holler.So when Flood and I come to in the shed on the roof, Im like, We whi tethorn need to check in with Foo.And Flood is like, Call him and tell him that at that place are old vampyres here to reinvigorated up. He needs to be ready. Well be at that place in a few minutes.And Im like, Ill text him. Im non speaking to him right now.So, like, Tommy showed me how you couldnt run too fast, or someone would pit something was up, so you had to sort of go in bursts and I wasnt supposed to leap over cars and whatnot because that shit is a dead giveaway that you are nosferatu. Although I did rawr some tourists on the cable car, because they needed it. And if you ask them they for institute all be, She was tr??s scary, and back in Cowfuck, Nebraska, we know that rawr is totally a thing because we have family values and whatnot.So after running in bursts for like three blocks I rawred down a cab that was halted by my awesome dark powers and the degree centigrade-dollar bill I was waving, and we rode to the love lair, where Jared let us in.And Jared was all, O MG, OMG, OMFG, Abs, the rats are deadAnd Im like, Not news. Awesome vamp robot depredator ship, equals news.And Jared is like, For realz?And Im like, Totes.And he kind of does a gayboy squee that was a little embarrassing, so Im all, Wheres Foo?And Foo comes out of the bedroom and I go to kiss him and he sort of dough and holds up his little parenthood vials, like, Oh, no kisses, Abby, I have breakables. So I backed off.And hes like, Abby we need to change you back. Right away.And Im like, No way, Foo. I am finished with your petty human weakness.And he like waves to all the rat boxes, and all the rats are just lying in the fag of them. And Im all, So?And Foos like, They just dropped, within hours of each other. Theres some incompatibility with the vampyre virus.Its a virus? goes Tommy.And Foos all, I dont know exactly what it is, but it binds to the host DNA and it carries the DNA to the infected.And Im like, So?And thats when Foo blurts out that I have a tail to Flood, and I j ust want to crawl in a mickle and die, except for it being redundant.Then Jareds like, Would you guys like something to drink? Some blood or something?And Im like, No thanks, I had a pigeon.And Flood is like, Yes, Ill have some.And hes just nigh to take a sip from a wineglass that Jared poured, and I recover his fangs, which are tr??s sexy now that hes not ripping my throat out with them, and hes like, Oh, Abby, if this turns out to be drugged, tear Steves arms off.And Im like, Kay, thence to Foo, Im like, Rawr. Shut up.And Foos like, Its not drugged.So we tell Foo and Jared about the ship and the old vampyres and how they are here to clean house, and about what the Kona guy said about second extension vampyres.And Foos like, Thats you, Tommy.And Flood is like, I know. I have to find Jody. And you and Jared need to purpose away from this apartment. Go somewhere, stay until you hear its all clear or the Raven leaves.And Foo is like, How did you think to go to the dock anyway?So we told him about Madame Natasha and the sunken ship in the north end of the City and whatnot, and hes all ringlet his look, because he doesnt believe in magic, despite the fact that hes rolling his eyes at two vampyres.And hes like, Did you try the Sunken Ship?And were like, Whaaaa?And hes like, Its a bar down on capital of Mississippi Street. It was built on conduct of one of the Gold Rush ships that was abandoned there. You can still fix the ribs of the ship in the basement.And Floods like, The Sunken Ship? Thats what its called?And Im like, Kind of obvious.And Floods like, We need to go there.And Foos all, No, I have to change you both back. You could drop any minute.So I go, As if. We have to find the Countess.And Tommys all, After. All that after.So Foo goes, Well, then take these. And he gives Flood and me each a thing that olfactory propertys like an aluminum flashlight with a blue glass erection.And Im all, Uh, we can look into in the dark, and heat, and we have some one on retainer who can see into the future, so, thanks, butTheyre UV lasers, goes Foo, in the middle of my dismissal. They use them to fuse UV sensitive polymers in vacuum chambers.And Tommy looks at me like, What? And I look at him like, No fucking idea.So Foo runs on like, They would just burn me or Jared if you held it on us, like a high-intensity sunlamp. But youd have to hold it there for about five seconds.So Flood looks at me like, What? And I look at him like, I got nothing. So Foo takes Tommys flashlight from him and he goes, Like this. And he points the flashlight at one of the dead rat boxes and it busts out with this raging blue beam and whoosh min rat charcoal.So Flood and I are like, Oh.You cant just leave them on like the UV jackets. They work with a capacitor that builds a charge and lets go with a two-second burst, but you can probably cut a vamp in half in that time. I made them for Rivera and Cavuto.And Tommy goes, Well dont give one to them, for fucks sake, th eyre hunting me and Jody.And me, I go.And me, goes Jared. And we look at him. And he goes, Not because Im a vampyre. Because that big cop hates me. Then he looked embarrassed and he goes, Hey, you guys, your eyes are bleeding.And I look at Tommy and Im all, WTF?And Foos like, You guys should probably wear sun-glasses with UV filtering if youre going to use those, or, you know, they could hurt your eyes.So Floods like, Good to know.And Foos like, You should know that they cant go to mist if theyre hurt or under exposure to any material UV. I tested it with the rats. Which means you cant either.And were all, Uh-huh.And hes like, What will you do?And Flood is like, Were going to the Sunken Ship and see if we can find Jody, and then I guess were going to see if we can get on a pirate ship. What about you?I have to break the lab down first, but I know some guys in my program at Berkeley that have an extra room. I can stay there.And Flood is like, allow in Jared with you. Elijah saw him . Anyone Elijah knows or who knew about him is in danger.And Jared is all, Nooooo, Berkeley is way too butch.So I splain to Tommy, Jared is afraid of butch lesbians. They were invented in Berkeley.And Foo is like looking at Jared, and looking at me, and looking at Flood, and looking at his dead rats, and hes all, Cant you at least leave Abby here and let me change her back?And Flood looks at me and Im all, Bitch, please, I have a light sabre. And I grabbed Foo and kissed him hard, but I could feel him pulling away.And hes like, Abby, after this is over-And Im like, finger on his lips, Shh, shh, shh, Foo. Do not awkwardize the moment with sniveling. Ive been preparing my livelong life for this.And I have.So we jammed.And outside Flood is like, You okay?And Im all, Yeah. Do you think Im a drug addict because I have a tail?And hes all, No, not because of that.Which was awesome for him to say.So we did the low-profile walk to Walgreens, where we bought three pairs of sunglasses and a disposable cell phone for Tommy and I got some Gummi bears, which I am dipping in blood and have now-biting off their little bear heads. Then we go over to the monetary district and we find the bar called the Sunken Ship on Jackson Street in the old section, and theres a big picture of a sailing ship, and THE SUNKEN SHIP is carved in big letters, and were not two blocks from the roof where we spent the night, and Im all, Oops.And Flood is like, Now what?And Im like, Dont you have keep in line ID? I was kind of fucking with him for pretending to be five hundred years old when we first met, when hes only nineteen.And hes like, No, do you?Yeah. Like sextette of them. Ill go in and look around.And hes like, Okay.So I start to go inside, where all these suits and citizens are, and I hear, Hey, a girls voice. Quiet, but like she knows we can hear.And its the Countess, palming a door shut on this below-street apartment. And shes in like black jeans carrying a pair of Nikes, but her hai r is all glorious, and in like an instant shes up over the rail, not even touching the stairs, and in Tommys arms. And it was beautiful, and sad, and I felt my heart break, but then it was like leaping for joy, because I truly do love the Countess, and I love Tommy, but they love each other, and well-fucksocks.So Im like, Cold-faced killers on the clock, bitches, we dont have time for your bonery right now.And the Countess like lets Tommy go and gives me a big hug and shes like, So, girl-e-girl, the dead thing, it works for you.And Im like, Duh.And she looks at Flood and shes, Im not sure about the tropical thing though.And hes like, Abby sprayed pigeon blood on my pants.And shes like, No, that parts good.And hes like, She has a tail.And Im like, TraitorThen she looks all sad, and shes like, Tommy, we need to talk.And hes like, No, we need to move.So, while we walk toward the water we explain about the old vamps and the clean up, and the Raven and whatnot.Kayso, now were on the roo f of the Bay Club, which is a really nice gym across the street from the dock, and we are staking out the Raven, and from up here we can see into the cockpit, which is like the size of a whole apartment. And theyre there. The three of them and Kona, the fairish Rasta guy. Two women and a guy. And theyre looking all fell in their black bodysuits and black trench coats and all. But the tall blond guy has something on the table, a long case, and he takes something out and starts place it together.Im all, Whats he got?Its a rifle, goes the Countess.WTF? WTF? WTF? I go, A gun?And Tommy goes, Whats with the gun?And Im like, Yeah, guns are for shit on vampyres. Uh, us. I still totally dont want to get shot.And Jodys like, Theyre not going after vampyres.And Tommys like, Abby, would you stop typing. Please?And Im like, RawrAnd Jodys like, Hes leaving the ship.And Im all, WTF?And Jodys all, We have to follow.Kayso, gotta jet. L8erz.